Wandering through my mind. Sorting through the mess.

Life is complicated. There are always choices, and multiple directions and decisions.

All children want to be adults to have the freedom to make these decisions, and all adults want to be children to have these decisions made for them.

How do you know if you’re doing the right thing? If everyone is telling you to go right, what if you go left instead?

How do you make sure you live life without regrets?

“What do you want?”

I DON’T KNOW.

“What is your career path?”

I DON’T KNOW.

“Where do you see yourself in 10 years?”

I DON’T KNOW.

“Grad school? State Department? The Company? The Foundation?”

I DON’T KNOW.

Why does this decision have to colour the rest of my life? Can’t this decision be for this moment, for these months, may be this year. Why does any decision I make have to impact me beyond the immediate future?

You know what I really want?

 

I want to have a home for my siblings to launch their lives out of. I want to take care of them, travel places, do fun things on the weekends. I want to have enough money to live a comfortable life- and make my family’s life comfortable. I want to give back to the community I live in and generally spend a quiet, unobtrusive and happy life.

 

Of course if I’m unhappy doing what I’m doing I will quit and find something I like to do.  Quit early and Quit often. Apparently that’s the key to happiness.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D73mm29XXAw

 

But that’s not the point. The point is what makes me unhappy isn’t this surprising new challenge. It’s letting down the people, most of whom appear to have a vested interest in my career and future.

 

What do I want for myself?

 

I want to be successful. I want to be admired, respected, looked up to. But I’m not particularly ambitious or competetive. No, my qualities are more like loyal, dedicated, hard working. I’m a people pleaser.

 

But what do I want to do?

 

Am I sacrificing what I really want for the sake of doing the right thing? Am I giving up on my dream? What is my dream?

 

My head spins with these questions. I walk down congress street; the bitter cold wind biting into my skin distracting me from the pounding spinning in my head.

 

Then another complication. Am I really moving on? Why does it make me sad? Moving on is a good thing. He said so. But I don’t want to. I’ve come to cherish this unadultwrated, no holding back tsunami of love and friendship that’s going on. I say whatever I want, and push however I want, do whatever I want, act however I want- the freedom is intoxicating. To be so completely open and free with another human being is a different kind of high. I envision a Harry Potter like moment where my soul rises from my gut and chest and dances around us like a faery. We sit in a meadow flooded with sunlight on a patch of green grass as soft as cashmere. That’s what this relationship looks like to me.

 

All facets of life come at you at the insane speed of a turbo jet and most of the time you’re left standing there.. Wondering just how you got to be standing where you are.. And before you know it your hanging on to dear life as it speeds and spins out of control.

 

But then I take a deep breath and do what I do best. I organize, categorize and find the smile that is always in me.

 

I take the work questions and seperate them into “irrational fears” and “realistic concerns.” Then I think about what I know for sure- about myself. Unwavering in the face of the questions and concerned looks. Then I hold on tightly to the Pavi in me, till I feel my feet settle strongly and confidently on the earth.

 

I then take the questions and curiosities in my heart and put them in a box covered in a pretty pastel/ floral box in my heart. I laugh a little over them and put them away for a rainy day when I can take these out along with the endless memories in my mind and let the warmth of the familiar run through my blood and skin.

 

Barely 6pm and its black as night outside. I stare at my reflection and decide I need to get back on my fitness routine. My eyes flutter shut and I let the rhythmic swaying, and low growl of the train lull me into a comfortable stupor.

 

The music plays on..

 

“Sleeping to dream about you..

And I’m so damn tired..

Of having to live without you..

But I don’t mind sleeping to dream about you…

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