His kindness and goodness seem to know no bounds. As I listen to him explain his feeling of responsibility to fixing this girls life I’m in awe. I’ve seen his kindness before. Giving anything he has to help a friend or relative. Whatever resources he has access to are always there for the taking. He has nothing and yet he always has so much to give.
But how can he want to help someone who has given him nothing but pain and misery? The people around him spew venom, anger and hate… And yet he stands in the light untouched by petty human emotions. All he sees is someone who needs his help and guidance.
My eyes water as I look at his precious face, his crooked teeth, his deep set eyes shadowed by worry and lack of sleep. Day after day, week after week, month after month life offers him no respite. Problem after problem come his way. And yet he stands strong and true; always with a smile.
Parts of him remind me of myself. Don’t they always say we see ourselves in the people around us. May be it is vanity, may be it is pride but I see myself. The stubborn determination, not taking no for an answer, the certainty that he is meant to help her.
She is to him, what he was to me.
May be that’s why I’m as adamant he let it go. I know the weight of responsibility, the loyalty and sympathy; I know that satisfying feeling of being needed that keeps you holding on. His life wasn’t my responsibility. I knew that but I couldn’t help feeling I HAD to help him. Sometimes I blurred the lines between love and responsibility. Other times I blurred the lines between responsibility and loyalty;
Just as he seems to be doing now.
But now I know the freedom of not feeling responsible. When he got back together with her my fears, worries and responsibility left. You can’t build a relationship on uneven lives. I wonder if he will learn the same lesson that I did. It’s not a lesson learned easily, and its not a lesson learned willingly.
I hope for him the freedom I feel now.
Being free. It’s nothing to do with the end of love. When you’re not busy fixing someone’s life you can put all your energy into loving them. Freedom is followed by laughter, light and weightless abandon of rules…
I wonder about our paths crossing. On one hand it seems like a useless bit of fate. But so many lessons have been learned. I know myself even better now. I learned that heartbreak doesn’t suit me. I learned that under pride and confidence there is a vulnerability about me. I learned that every decision is a choice and every consequence leads to some inevitability. I learned that I’m strong, and happy, and full of love. I learned that laughter is the soundtrack of my life and I am sunshine.
I learned that I have my best, closest friend in him. I learned that despite what we’ve been through, what we’ve put each other through we are true friends. I learned there is loyalty, love and a fierce trust between us. I learned that his goodness is in me, and my sunlight is in him.
We may be parting ways now, but we each have left our mark.