One word has been coming up over and over again in the last few weeks that I need to think about.
I wonder sometimes if there is a difference between Hope and Wishful-Thinking.
Women have a way of over-thinking everything;
When someone sends me a message I don’t just read it.
I read it, then I re-read it, then I analyze it and i over-analyze it.
I wonder about every comma, ever syllable trying to “get to the bottom” of a message.
“What is it REALLY saying?”
I forget to take a step back and read the message for what it says.
If it says,
“I hope you’re ok,”
It doesn’t mean,
“I hope you’re ok, because I’m really not. I can’t believe this has happened, I never wanted to let you go, I never meant to hurt you. It’s you I really want.”
It just means,
“I hope you’re ok.”
Or do we really put that much meaning into a simple sentence?
Of course I can’t deny that sometimes, when we know someone quite well it is easy to understand that the simple word “Bitch” means “I’m done with you. Never going to waste an ounce of my energy on you again” because he would never use the word lightly.
But going back to Hope; Do we give and take Hope? Or does Hope come from within us? Is it self-made and self-affirming? Is Hope just something we create to assure ourselves we’re right? Like i said wishful-thinking?
People generally want to love and be loved in return. So even when all the words and all the situations clearly are NOT in my favour, I still manage to see “signs” hear “words” and create Hope for the most hopeless of situations.
He doesn’t love me. Why is that so hard to grasp?
He doesn’t love me. Why is it so important to then see the words where they are not written? Or spoken?
If he loves me, he would say, “I love you.”
He wouldn’t say, “I’m sorry, it’s never going to work.”
Why do we do that? Why do we live in a dream world? Why do we romanticize reality and then get our feelings hurt when it doesn’t work out the way we Hoped?
We’re stupid. Ignorant. Gullible.
I stopped being this person a long time ago. I stopped being this person when I didn’t have to fantasize or romanticize my life, because my reality was everything I wanted. I didn’t have to hope, I didn’t have to dream. My life was exactly what I wanted, nothing more, nothing less. It’s when Ying and Yang are equally balanced, when everything you want, is exactly what you have.
That perfection was marred a few months ago. Scarred slightly. But I have no doubts that it will happen again. I don’t Hope for it- I just wait in quiet expectation and endless patience for that day to come. Because I KNOW it’s coming. That’s just the nature of life. It’s not one true love, it’s all true love. It’s not the good old days, it’s just good days. Life is cyclical, not linear. But I digress.
I’ve forgotten what it means to be that woman, that girl. The one who reads something into everything, who lives on hope, and feeds on dreams and aims to breath love. I’ve forgotten what it means to be that dreamer and that person who lives on the caustic energy, and breaths the corrosive fumes of her Hope.
Hope is an illusion. It’s a mirage. But most importantly it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. We base our Hope on signs we know we will see, or signs that aren’t really there. Hope cannot sustain life. It cannot sustain love. Sooner or later, it will disintegrate into the harmful nonexistence, and those that live on it will perish.
If you’re lucky you won’t perish. You’ll just feel your feet meet the earth, and finally realize there is no Hope. It will hurt. Opening your eyes to the light and the reality. Removing yourself from the misleading mist of Hope and finally seeing the world for the first time. It will hurt like hell. But opening you’re eyes to Reality is good for you. It’s like medicine that tastes bad, but makes you feel oh so good. It’s like leaving the womb and entering the world. Sure it hurts to breath, may be an over excited Dr.Reality spanks you and makes you cry. But when you open your eyes you will finally see the people you love. You will see them clearer and clearer as the days past- and you will find your peace.
It’s a beautiful place- Reality. There need not be hope for there to be happiness and beauty. And if you find your happiness in reality- it is lasting, it is real, it is tangible. There is no space for empty words, or romantic dreams. But reality is beautiful. It is solid and dependable.
I chose Reality years ago. I chose happiness. I chose to let go of Hope, and hold on to what is Real.
I have the satisfaction of seeing my happiness last for years to come- while others grasp tightly to the ever changing, ever elusive mist that is Hope, and cling to an illusion of happiness that will never be theirs.
To them I say,