Empty Words

I’m so sorry.

Why do we even bother with the words?

Why is it that we cannot stop ourselves before we have to say those words?
This morning I said 2 things that I’m KNOW I didn’t mean.

And yet I said them, and as I said them I hurt two precious hearts.

But my intention wasn’t to do that.

But if my intentions were so pure, why did my words come out dark and ugly?

The words came out, intentionally or unintentionally and a couple of hearts that are my most treasured possessions were hurt. I don’t know how bad the damage is. May be a crack, may be a bruise that will fade in time. (I’m hoping for the latter.) But from the minute the words came out I was apologizing, explaining, making excuses, trying to undo the done.

Why do we do that?
One heart (the bruise already healing) told me that she knows my intention wasn’t to hurt her. She said I’m just human.

If being human is an excuse for being miserable to the people you love the most, then I refuse to be human. I refuse to regret my words, my actions. I want to speak and act intentionally. I want to do everything on purpose, so I don’t have to hide behind my humanity when something goes wrong.

To the other heart I made my own excuses, about being afraid, about being vulnerable, about protecting myself. More words, more empty words trying to undo the done.

I take them all back. I take back all the words I spilled needlessly into this world.

I take back the heartless things I said, the ungenerous things I did. I take back the pride, the selfishness. I take it all back.

I rewind to that moment, and I say instead, “I love you. I am weak and vulnerable in your hands. I’m scared but it’s ok. I trust you, or I’m trying hard to trust you.”

To the other heart I say, “I don’t want to watch TV. I want to talk to you. I want to listen to you about your day, your feelings- I want to share this moment with you instead of hiding in an imaginary world created in a TV studio.”

I give you the only words I have, the magic words, the words made for clueless unknowing human beings- I’m so sorry.

I speak them intentionally now.

I’m saying them on purpose.

I’m so sorry.

This morning I was half the person I know I can be. I was half the person I am usually.

This morning I let my petty humanness taint my enlightenment.=

And in the moment I let that happen, I hurt you.

I am so sorry.

The words I spoke have no reflection on you; they only reflect the mere human I was this morning.

But I am an extraordinary human.

I am beyond these petty actions, and those few useless words. I promise.

I am extraordinary, and I will work harder to be extraordinary- so I may never regret, I may never take back, and I may never say I’m sorry. Because I won’t have to.

But right now. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me.