Sometimes as I walk down the street in stark daylight, I feel him take my hand, thread his fingers through mine. I’m afraid to look because I know he won’t be there. He leans against the wall beside me when I am outside breathing in the cold of autumn and the heat of a cigarette. He sits with me as I drive, windows down, music pounding in my ears and he smiles at me; in the corner of my eye, he falls in love with me.
In my dreams he is fearless, brazen. He pushes and pulls me, he molds me. I learn things about him in my dreams (things that turn out to be true.) He is gentle with me, he wipes away my confused tears and he asks me over and over and over and over and over and over again. “What do you want?”
I’m curious to find out if a mirage of me walks with him sometimes. Whether a silhouette of my teasing figure dances at the edges of his periphery. Whether he sometimes hears echoes of my laughter; laughter that coils around his chest like a boa; that forces him to hear and whissssperssss in his earsss… she issssss yoursssss…Take Her.
“Come and take me please,” my heart pleads; the boa clenches itself around my heart and threatens to end me, and I moan quietly words in an ancient language, words which roughly mean, “Am I alone in this?”
I imagine these words act as a spell. A spell that works to unwind the boa from my chest. Unknowingly the spell also sends the boa travelling across pathways and worm holes, supernovas and black holes, through dimensions where there are no barriers to our togetherness.
It tastes the sweet relief of our timing being just right. It sees the consequences of an “Us.” It witnesses the fork in the road, the one where we end up together. It sees our ups and downs. It delights in our wins and losses. It fattens itself on the nourishing warmth of what (in that dimension) is OUR love.
The boa then slithers and slides across oceans, across equators and inserts itself into his dreams. He tosses and turns, fighting heroically against this intrusion on his already full heart. He fights, valiantly, a white knight against my boa. The strength of my feelings mutates the boa, discolours it, changes it. Until it is a fire breathing dragon, threatening to destroy all that is good about him.
Love is a monster.
He has a whole life before me. A history that is deep and entrenched in a place far from the moment we met; Three decades of life and love of which I am not a shadow, not a glimmer, not even a notion. The dream fades and the day draws near when any remaining hope will be extinguished (when he will tie his life permanently to someone else.)
If this is it, all we have and ever will.
If this is it, time is running out and standing still.
I’ll leave today, ‘cause there’s nothing left to keep me here.
I’ll fade away, I’ll turn my back and disappear.”
– The Bravery