This is a trip down memory lane- a scattered memory from December 31st, 2015:
I hesitated today, and I might have missed the chance to say what I’ve been thinking. For days I thought about how I would say it, and even though you’ve proved time and time again I can say what I want without affecting our strange little relationship, I still hesitated.
There will never be another moment to say it. It’s the last day of this year, and it marks the end of a revolutionary year for me. I don’t know that next year will be quite as revolutionary. I’m going away for 18 days and when I return our strange little relationship will more likely than not be changed. There will never be a perfect moment to say what I’ve been thinking. It will be too late, too irrelevant. Not to mention the possibility that in the next 18 days how I feel about you can change quite drastically.
I wanted to say,
“When we walked into the room and sat down around the table, I looked at you and my heart said “uh oh!”
I imagined you would have laughed. You always laugh when I say something silly like that. I wanted to tell you that story and ask you, impertinent as you please, whether you feel the same chemistry that I do; whether it’s just me that feels a punch in the gut electricity when our eyes meet. Whether it’s all in my head that I see you and my heart does a little gallop and I’m intensely pleased.
I wonder ridiculously, naively whether you will think of me and even venture to miss me sometimes while I’m away.
It’s sad, watching an infatuation fade. Knowing that soon that space where someone occupied your mind will soon be empty, or worse yet filled with something inconsequential. A person is just such a rich morsel of thought. Unlike a work document or a deadline, a person gives you a 3 dimensional multitude of angles and depths to wonder into, your thoughts are attached to smells, and smiles and tastes. Thinking about a person is technicoloured and surround sound. Reliving things they said, a glance, a brush of their fingers. Everything is alive with a person occupying your mind.