Life is unpredictable, beautiful, fluorescent. And this life is not meant to be lived within the confines of social norms, and rules and requirements. We are alive! We’re meant to jump into mistakes with our whole hearts and minds. Playing it safe never became a story.
Since I turned 29 (less than a week ago mind you), I’ve felt this new sense of knowledge. Knowing exactly what I want. No longer flipping or flopping on my desires. Not sound logic, social norms, life theory or philosophy will push and pull me any longer. Only my intuition, and this knowledge of myself will govern my life.
Last year, around this time, my parents approached me about a matrimonial ad to be placed in the Sri Lankan newspaper. My love life had been condensed into a few grammatically incorrect sentences in a newspaper.
“GB FAMILY FROM MATARA SEEKS PARTNER FOR ELDEST DAUGHTER OF FOUR SIBLINGS INCLUDING ONE SON. CONVENT EDUCATED BA FROM USA. CURRENTLY WORKING AS TRAVEL EXECUTIVE IN US. KIND HEARTED HARDWORKING FAMILY ORIENTED GIRL. MOTHER AND FATHER PROFESSIONALS. LOOKING FOR A SUITABLE PARTNER WITH SIMILAR BACKGROUND AND QUALITIES. WILLING TO LIVE ABROAD.”
That’s it. 28 years of dreaming about what my love story would be; meeting someone who broke my heart, meeting countless others who were wonderful chapters, anecdotes, stories, and it all came down to a few lines of newspaper print.
But I was open to the concept of a “suitable partner.” I didn’t trust myself, at 28, to choose the right person, because I didn’t believe I could be trusted. I had been hurt so badly, and my parents had irrevocably denied my choice. Not to mention that in the two years past, I had flipped and flopped, fallen in and out of love, and had many a fling without settling down. If anything all those experienced made me even more unsure of myself.
A close friend, whose relationship to me can only be defined as that of an older sister, told me that 27 and 28 are years when you get thrown in a blender and tossed around. She told me that I would be confused, and cling to ideas of who I was supposed to be, and not necessarily recognise who I really am. She said I would have experiences of intense emotion, be it pleasure or pain, and those would further reinforce my unsettled-ness.
But she said 29 is the year of clarity. She said 29 is the year you stop being a child, and embrace your adulthood. You no longer fight against the concept of growing older, and you no longer compromise on what is right for you.
I didn’t expect clarity come so soon, but I started to gain this sense of confidence and certainty in January. I felt an immense sense of peace, of wholeness, of being exceedingly happy with who I am. The happiness was so significant that people started to notice a difference in me. I turned 29 a week ago, and I am clear with who I am, and what I want. Yesterday I found this quote floating on the Internet:
“The woman you’re becoming will cost you people, relationships, spaces and material things. Choose her over everything.”
So while at 28 I was open to the idea of being set up by my parents, after a year of sending Facebook messages to suitable (yet unresponsive) Sri Lankan boys, I am done. I don’t want to be set up. I don’t want to feel like the lack of a man in my life reflects some inadequacy in me. It is an impossible task my parents are trying to accomplish in any case, because a newspaper print cannot capture the 3-dimensional psychedelic experience that is Pavi. For that matter, I’m not sure a “nice boy from a nice family” can capture me either.
So let love happen if its organic.
Let relationships grow if they are meant to.
Let me live this fluorescent life, because there is nothing more beautiful than my life; right now; in this moment.